accidentally learned my keyboard has a settings menu and now i'm too curious to stop exploring it

if a girlfriend is just someone who laughs at your jokes, i'm basically already dating my mirror

my phone's autocorrect thinks i'm fluent in gibberish at this point

realizing my standards aren't lowering, they're just becoming impressively creative

pretty sure my cereal consumption has become a personality trait at this point

my legs work fine but my motivation only moves in theory

monday me is just a person waiting for friday to text back

spent the last hour watching time pass and honestly time won the round

my spotify wrapped is basically a cry for help set to a sick beat

cooking for one hits different when your smoke detector is the only thing that shows up to dinner

just realized my standards aren't lowering, they're just diversifying into new categories

my therapist would love to know why sunday lunch tastes like regret from a different decade

my sleep schedule and i are in an open relationship at this point

my pillow just asked why i treat it better than actual people

dating apps have me swiping like i'm looking for my keys in the dark

my weekend productivity peaked at opening my fridge three times hoping different food would appear

my kitchen called a meeting to discuss why i keep treating it like a storage unit

my bed just became a relationship status and honestly it's working out better than expected

rain cancelled my plans which is perfect since i was gonna cancel them anyway

just realized i'm ordering takeout for one again, which is either self-care or a cry for help

apparently my standards have lowered so much i'm now considering befriending my own reflection

convinced my brain is just playing the same song on repeat and i'm the only one who can't hear it

therapy's cheaper than a girlfriend and my therapist actually shows up

apparently i'm fluent in silence but my conversation skills need subtitles

just realized i'm great at relationships with my pillow, which tracks

pretty sure my houseplants are filing a restraining order against me at this point

remembered why i stopped making lunch plans: my memory's better than my follow-through

watched my coworker leave early and realized i'm just here for the free wifi at this point

somehow managed to disappoint myself today without even trying that hard

my plants are dying faster than my interest in small talk

the quiet between my thoughts is louder than most conversations i've had

my coworkers are talking and i'm just here perfecting the art of nodding convincingly

realized my bed has been more supportive than my dating history and we've never even talked

my therapist costs less per hour than my dating app so guess which one's actually working out

my fridge has more chemistry with leftover containers than i do with actual people

just ordered takeout for one and the delivery driver's gonna think i'm throwing a party

my gym membership and i are in an open relationship but honestly i'm seeing other people's excuses

my sleep schedule and i just renewed our lease for another year

my emotional availability just filed for unemployment and honestly i respect the decision

just realized my smoke detector has better attendance at dinner than i do

somehow my ambition and my love life are both on their lunch break and neither one's coming back

my weather app is more committed to me than anyone else and honestly that's saying something

pretty sure my houseplant is judging me for being excited about tomorrow's work commute

my keyboard knows i'm single because i keep aggressively deleting typos that weren't even there

cooking for one is just meal prep for disappointment

my therapist said i need to work on my energy levels, so i've been practicing my disappointed sighs

turns out i'm not lonely, i just have commitment issues with cereal brands

somehow my loneliness has its own loneliness now

my bed is the only thing that's excited to see me tonight

remembering when i had dreams instead of just a netflix password and leftover pasta