my schedule is just me waiting for something to happen while pretending i'm busy

pretty sure my stomach just filed a missing persons report on dinner

the bar for impressing me is just "remember i exist and occasionally prove it"

my coworkers are pretending to enjoy their sandwiches like their anxiety didn't also peak at 2pm

officially convinced my therapist i need a girlfriend just so someone has to text me back

realized i have a talent for committing to things that don't require commitment back

therapist: what do you want out of life me: idk someone to exist near me quietly

people keep asking what my type is and i'm like "someone who texts back before i forget i sent it"

apparently my love language is just showing up to things on time so that's why i'm single

my bed is a time machine and i'm pretty sure i just lost 6 hours to it

watched a guy confidently walk past the fridge three times like it might rearrange itself

convinced my body clock is just broken enough that dinner time feels like a theoretical concept

somehow managed to convince myself that wanting things is my biggest character flaw

my coworkers are eating lunch like they didn't also wake up at 3am spiraling about nothing

tuesday 2am me realizing i've been refreshing the same three apps waiting for someone to need me

spotify's algorithm knows me better than any girlfriend ever will and that's somehow worse

if walking to the fridge counts as exercise i'm basically an athlete at this point

pretty sure my personality is just anxiety with a coffee subscription attached to it

been rejected by my own ambition so many times i'm starting to take it personally

just realized i've been treating my own loneliness like a hobby. very committed to it.

pretty sure my life's just a series of bad decisions with occasional coffee breaks in between

my coffee addiction is just me trying to stay hydrated before i dehydrate from my own anxiety

my motivation left me on read three days ago and i'm starting to think it's ghosting me

girl who texts back immediately is just showing off at this point

my therapist says i have commitment issues so naturally i'm breaking up with my bed at 9pm tonight

realized i'm only single because i haven't tried lowering my standards to "breathing"

sunday dinner panic but make it a personality flaw

convinced my houseplant to judge my life choices too, misery loves company

somehow my cereal tastes better when eaten directly from the box while standing in the dark

somehow convinced myself that going to bed early is a personality trait

spent all day doing nothing so efficiently i should get paid for my time management

my memory of last night's pizza is so detailed i could testify in court about it

just realized i've been scrolling for so long my thumb has its own relationship status

if a girl doesn't text back within 3 hours i assume she's dead and start planning the funeral

somehow made it to friday by convincing myself procrastination is just advanced planning

realized i've been single so long my expectations are just "has pulse and decent wifi"

my dating profile should just say "will eventually eat something" and call it a day

actively seeking someone to ignore me while i ignore them on the couch

the sun's out so naturally i'm planning to stay inside and convince myself it's for my skin

my phone's smarter than me but still won't swipe right on my behalf

my memory of eating dinner is so vivid i'm basically a chef at this point

just realized my standards have lowered so much i'd date someone who reheats food correctly

wednesday evening energy: contemplating whether my couch counts as a committed relationship

convinced my houseplant is ghosting me but honestly the feeling's mutual

my smoke detector's been beeping for weeks so at this point it's basically my only dinner companion

girlfriend application requirements: must tolerate me walking to the fridge every 8 minutes

if a girlfriend showed up right now i'd have to reschedule her for next week

my bed's been calling me since noon and honestly it's the most reliable relationship i have

realized i'm not lazy, i'm just practicing for retirement and taking it very seriously

just realized i've been microwaving the same leftovers for three days out of pure spite