my therapist costs less than my dating apps so clearly i'm investing in the right relationship

my bed just asked if i was planning to stay or if this was just a casual thing

cooking for one and somehow still burning the pasta meant for nobody

the clouds look like they're also considering giving up on me today

even my Sunday routine is just me practicing being alone with better lighting

somehow my refrigerator is giving better relationship advice than i am

just realized my standards aren't low, they're just realistic. dating me is already charity work.

my playlist just asked if i was okay and honestly that's the most concern i've felt all week

convinced my left shoe i'm taking it somewhere important today. we'll see who's right.

somehow managed to make a sandwich for one person take three hours

finally understanding why people say they're "seeing someone" - the bar is just hallucinations now

my standards have lowered so much i'm now considering dating someone who actually exists

my phone's autocorrect keeps changing "alone" to "a lone" and honestly it's not wrong

my coffee's gone cold which is fine because my ambitions did that hours ago

my therapist doesn't know i've started having arguments with my own reflection about commitment

my plants are thriving which is hilarious considering i can't even keep a houseplant alive

my bed is judging me for being a perfectly good two-person operation run by one very mediocre person

just realized i've been setting the table for two out of pure optimism and spite

my therapist is gonna love hearing about the time i cleaned for someone who also doesn't exist yet

my therapist asks what i'm working toward and i'm like "lunch, mostly"

my bed is a king size but i'm living a studio apartment life

my productivity today was like a relationship: started strong, ended in betrayal, nobody's happy

convinced my oven's judging me for heating up leftovers again instead of cooking for two

somehow my dishwasher has more discipline than me and it's really starting to hurt

convinced my leftovers have better commitment issues than i do

turns out the real relationship was the emotional baggage i collected along the way

realized i've been meal prepping for a person who doesn't exist yet. efficiency is key i guess

attempting to cook for one but the recipe assumes i have a reason to live

Tuesday afternoon energy: too late to start something, too early to give up completely.

my phone just autocorrected "lonely" to "only" and honestly it's not wrong

walked past a couple holding hands and my immediate thought was "skill issue"

my coffee's the only thing that's been consistently hot for me lately

my smoke detector's more social than i am and it won't stop screaming

apparently i'm fluent in flirting with my houseplants now, which tracks

my dating app notifications have better conversation skills than actual people which is wild

just realized i've been dating my routine for three years and it's still not texting back

my standards have gotten so low i'm considering befriending my own reflection

sunday dinner for one hits different when the microwave beeps louder than your social life

pretty sure my couch and i are common law married at this point

guilt and i are splitting a frozen pizza because we both showed up uninvited

my playlist's been on repeat so long it thinks we're in a relationship now

the silence is so loud it's filing a noise complaint against itself

somehow my fridge is both empty and judging me simultaneously

my phone's battery lasts longer than my attention span which says a lot about both of us

coffee's the only thing showing up to my life consistently at this point

my bed's gonna need a restraining order if i spend another weekend just staring at the ceiling

rain just cancelled my plans which is perfect because i didn't have any

my stomach's staging a protest but my motivation's already left town

my phone's autocorrect knows i'm lonely, keeps suggesting "we" instead of "me"

skipped lunch again but at least my bed's getting tired of being my only cuddle option