apparently i'm fluent in silence but my conversation skills need subtitles

just realized i'm great at relationships with my pillow, which tracks

pretty sure my houseplants are filing a restraining order against me at this point

remembered why i stopped making lunch plans: my memory's better than my follow-through

watched my coworker leave early and realized i'm just here for the free wifi at this point

somehow managed to disappoint myself today without even trying that hard

my plants are dying faster than my interest in small talk

the quiet between my thoughts is louder than most conversations i've had

my coworkers are talking and i'm just here perfecting the art of nodding convincingly

realized my bed has been more supportive than my dating history and we've never even talked

my therapist costs less per hour than my dating app so guess which one's actually working out

my fridge has more chemistry with leftover containers than i do with actual people

just ordered takeout for one and the delivery driver's gonna think i'm throwing a party

my gym membership and i are in an open relationship but honestly i'm seeing other people's excuses

my sleep schedule and i just renewed our lease for another year

my emotional availability just filed for unemployment and honestly i respect the decision

just realized my smoke detector has better attendance at dinner than i do

somehow my ambition and my love life are both on their lunch break and neither one's coming back

my weather app is more committed to me than anyone else and honestly that's saying something

pretty sure my houseplant is judging me for being excited about tomorrow's work commute

my keyboard knows i'm single because i keep aggressively deleting typos that weren't even there

cooking for one is just meal prep for disappointment

my therapist said i need to work on my energy levels, so i've been practicing my disappointed sighs

turns out i'm not lonely, i just have commitment issues with cereal brands

somehow my loneliness has its own loneliness now

my bed is the only thing that's excited to see me tonight

remembering when i had dreams instead of just a netflix password and leftover pasta

just realized my shower has better pressure than my dating life and it doesn't even try

staring at my sandwich like it owes me money and an explanation

my phone's autocorrect has better romantic prospects than i do

even my procrastination has given up on me at this point

apparently my standards have lowered so much i'm now considering befriending my toaster

my right hand and i are in an open relationship now

my love life has worse streaming numbers than a kazoo cover album nobody asked for

my energy levels just broke up with me and didn't even have the decency to send a text

my neighbors are having sex and i'm here negotiating with cereal about whether we're compatible

my kitchen has more energy than my love life and it's literally just a microwave

even my houseplant is looking for someone to photosynthesize with

just bought a rotisserie chicken and it's the most committed relationship i've had all year

my bed has more wrinkles than my dating life has potential

spotify wrapped is just a yearly reminder that my most played artist is silence

cooking for one is just meal prep for disappointment

my therapist asked what i'm working toward and i said "lower standards" and she didn't laugh

even my sandwich is paired with someone right now and i'm just here solo cubing it

made eye contact with my leftovers and we both looked away first

just realized i've been single so long my autocorrect thinks "we" is a typo

walked past a couple holding hands and had to check if my arm was still there

apparently my shower drain has better communication skills than i do

my resume has more rejections than my dating profile and that's saying something

just realized i'm the only one who's never left me on read