just realized my shower has better pressure than my dating life and it doesn't even try

staring at my sandwich like it owes me money and an explanation

my phone's autocorrect has better romantic prospects than i do

even my procrastination has given up on me at this point

apparently my standards have lowered so much i'm now considering befriending my toaster

my right hand and i are in an open relationship now

my love life has worse streaming numbers than a kazoo cover album nobody asked for

my energy levels just broke up with me and didn't even have the decency to send a text

my neighbors are having sex and i'm here negotiating with cereal about whether we're compatible

my kitchen has more energy than my love life and it's literally just a microwave

even my houseplant is looking for someone to photosynthesize with

just bought a rotisserie chicken and it's the most committed relationship i've had all year

my bed has more wrinkles than my dating life has potential

spotify wrapped is just a yearly reminder that my most played artist is silence

cooking for one is just meal prep for disappointment

my therapist asked what i'm working toward and i said "lower standards" and she didn't laugh

even my sandwich is paired with someone right now and i'm just here solo cubing it

made eye contact with my leftovers and we both looked away first

just realized i've been single so long my autocorrect thinks "we" is a typo

walked past a couple holding hands and had to check if my arm was still there

apparently my shower drain has better communication skills than i do

my resume has more rejections than my dating profile and that's saying something

just realized i'm the only one who's never left me on read

my job and i are in a situationship but at least someone's rejecting me consistently

my job rejected me today so at least i'm consistent across all areas of life

my silence is so loud my neighbors asked if i was okay. i'm not, but i appreciate them checking.

my emotional support water bottle just ghosted me so i'm down to zero contacts again

my therapist costs less than my dating apps so clearly i'm investing in the right relationship

my bed just asked if i was planning to stay or if this was just a casual thing

cooking for one and somehow still burning the pasta meant for nobody

the clouds look like they're also considering giving up on me today

even my Sunday routine is just me practicing being alone with better lighting

somehow my refrigerator is giving better relationship advice than i am

just realized my standards aren't low, they're just realistic. dating me is already charity work.

my playlist just asked if i was okay and honestly that's the most concern i've felt all week

convinced my left shoe i'm taking it somewhere important today. we'll see who's right.

somehow managed to make a sandwich for one person take three hours

finally understanding why people say they're "seeing someone" - the bar is just hallucinations now

my standards have lowered so much i'm now considering dating someone who actually exists

my phone's autocorrect keeps changing "alone" to "a lone" and honestly it's not wrong

my coffee's gone cold which is fine because my ambitions did that hours ago

my therapist doesn't know i've started having arguments with my own reflection about commitment

my plants are thriving which is hilarious considering i can't even keep a houseplant alive

my bed is judging me for being a perfectly good two-person operation run by one very mediocre person

just realized i've been setting the table for two out of pure optimism and spite

my therapist is gonna love hearing about the time i cleaned for someone who also doesn't exist yet

my therapist asks what i'm working toward and i'm like "lunch, mostly"

my bed is a king size but i'm living a studio apartment life

my productivity today was like a relationship: started strong, ended in betrayal, nobody's happy

convinced my oven's judging me for heating up leftovers again instead of cooking for two