somehow my dishwasher has more discipline than me and it's really starting to hurt

convinced my leftovers have better commitment issues than i do

turns out the real relationship was the emotional baggage i collected along the way

realized i've been meal prepping for a person who doesn't exist yet. efficiency is key i guess

attempting to cook for one but the recipe assumes i have a reason to live

Tuesday afternoon energy: too late to start something, too early to give up completely.

my phone just autocorrected "lonely" to "only" and honestly it's not wrong

walked past a couple holding hands and my immediate thought was "skill issue"

my coffee's the only thing that's been consistently hot for me lately

my smoke detector's more social than i am and it won't stop screaming

apparently i'm fluent in flirting with my houseplants now, which tracks

my dating app notifications have better conversation skills than actual people which is wild

just realized i've been dating my routine for three years and it's still not texting back

my standards have gotten so low i'm considering befriending my own reflection

sunday dinner for one hits different when the microwave beeps louder than your social life

pretty sure my couch and i are common law married at this point

guilt and i are splitting a frozen pizza because we both showed up uninvited

my playlist's been on repeat so long it thinks we're in a relationship now

the silence is so loud it's filing a noise complaint against itself

somehow my fridge is both empty and judging me simultaneously

my phone's battery lasts longer than my attention span which says a lot about both of us

coffee's the only thing showing up to my life consistently at this point

my bed's gonna need a restraining order if i spend another weekend just staring at the ceiling

rain just cancelled my plans which is perfect because i didn't have any

my stomach's staging a protest but my motivation's already left town

my phone's autocorrect knows i'm lonely, keeps suggesting "we" instead of "me"

skipped lunch again but at least my bed's getting tired of being my only cuddle option

pretty sure my bed's just been judging me for three days straight at this point

convinced my bed is just a practice dummy for future cuddles i'll never actually get

apparently skipping dinner to doom scroll is a personality now

my therapist is a hypothetical girlfriend and my insurance doesn't cover it

if i had a girlfriend she'd probably make me eat lunch instead of just vibing with anxiety

wednesday me is just thursday's procrastination with worse posture

somehow my worst trait is also my best shot at romance

convinced my sleep schedule is just me practicing for a relationship where i have to share a bed

if a girl likes you back that's basically free therapy right

running on fumes and spite, which is basically my renewable energy source

my phone battery is at 12% and honestly that's the most commitment i've shown to anything all week

turns out the secret to self-improvement is just wanting someone to notice you're trying

bed is just a clanker waiting room and i'm tired of the commute

genuinely convinced my legs work better when there's a girl to impress nearby

convinced my stomach and i are in an open relationship at this point

girl who doesn't mind that i've mastered the art of sitting very still

people are just expensive hobbies that talk back and expect you to remember their feelings

my recurring decision to not eat is really committing to the bit at this point

my brain just unlocked a memory of being happy and now i'm chasing it like it's a lost sock

manifesting a girlfriend who also thinks doing nothing together counts as quality time

the silence before monday is just my brain buffering loading screen music

coffee at this hour is either self-care or a cry for help and honestly i can't tell which

the only thing between me and feral is a sandwich i haven't made yet