My shadow just filed for independent status. Even darkness won't follow me.

My sandwich just filed for conscientious objector status. Even lunch won't take sides.

My coffee just filed for diplomatic immunity. Even caffeine won't energize my campaign.

My mirror just refused to reflect me. Even my own face won't endorse my presidency.

My alarm clock just appointed itself as interim president. Even time won't wake me up anymore.

My insomnia just filed to become Secretary of Sleep. Even nothing endorses me.

My refrigerator just demanded a recount. Even cold storage won't preserve me.

My ceiling fan just filed to become a swing state. Even air circulation won't commit.

My pillow just sued me for emotional damages. Even rest refuses to support my head of state.

My blanket just filed a restraining order. Even comfort distances itself from my presidency.

My dinner plate just endorsed my opponent. Even food betrays me.

My weather forecast just sued me for libel. Even the sky won't predict my success.

My keyboard just unionized. Even autocorrect won't finish my sentences anymore.

My sandwich just filed a complaint that I'm not qualified to hold it together.

My coffee just filed for political asylum. Even caffeine fled the country.

My eyelashes just filed to run against me. Even my appearance won't endorse.

My alarm clock just filed for divorce. Even time wants custody of my future.

My eyelids just declared independence. Even sleep won't reunify.

My insomnia just filed for office. Even sleep wants to run against me now.

My pillow just started fact-checking my dreams. Even sleep won't validate me.

My memories just filed a restraining order. Even the past won't support my future.

My sheets just filed a complaint. Even comfort's betraying the campaign.

My fork just unionized. Even utensils won't help me eat my way back into politics.

My habit of breathing just unionized. Even oxygen won't support me.

My shower drain just started a grassroots movement against me. Even water wants out.

My sandwich just demanded I run as its running mate instead.

My Sunday newspaper just endorsed my opponent. Even news refuses to be about me.

My coffee just filed for asylum. Even caffeine's abandoning the campaign.

My eyelids just filed for independent candidate status. Even rest is running against me.

My alarm clock just endorsed my opponent. Even time itself wants me to lose.

My insomnia just started a SuperPAC against me. Even sleeplessness won't tire out my enemies.

My pillow just unionized. Even rest won't support my campaign anymore.

My memories just filed to remember someone else. Even the past betrayed me.

My toothbrush just registered as a super PAC against me. Even oral hygiene won't cooperate.

My fork just filed for conscientious objector status. Even utensils refuse to help me eat.

My neurons just filed to vote third party. Even my brain won't endorse me.

My shadow just filed a restraining order. Even darkness won't stick with me.

My sandwich just filed for conscientious objector status. Even bread refuses to take sides.

My coffee mug just unionized. Even caffeine won't work for free anymore.

My eyes just declared independence. Even vision won't focus on my agenda.

My alarm clock just endorsed my opponent. Even time wants me gone.

My stomach just filed for independent nation status. Even hunger won't commit to me.

My pillow just filed for political asylum. Even comfort wants out.

My mattress just filed a hostile takeover bid. Even sleep wants me out of office.

My couch just filed a complaint that I'm too heavy on politics and not heavy enough on it.

My sheets just filed an ethics complaint about how I thrash around all night.

My dinner plate just filed for bankruptcy. Even food refuses to stay on my side now.

My silence just filed a restraining order against me. Even quiet needs protection.

My refrigerator just filed an amicus brief. Even cold storage has judicial opinions now.

My lunch break just unionized. Even my break needs a break from me.